this number is unreachable

sometimes i wish this log was private. and sometimes i wish it was easier for me to tell people what's really going on in my life.

i realize trust is a big issue. i'm not sure where that came from.

the only time i've ever really been in love i got really, tremendously, inexpressibly crushed. but i'm not really sure why. he never told me that he was in it for the long haul. i just ignored that, cause if i've learned two things in my life it's that 1) people almost never tell the truth about themselves, even when they're trying to, and 2) men prefer to believe they're not in love and that it matters to them.

like, matters to their day to day survival. which seems so insane to me. what else is there?

it's been a long time since him. i almost fell for someone else, but it was so clear from the beginning that it wasn't going anywhere that i just refused to go there. (see point 1 above)

like three weeks ago some punk ass young kid stopped me on the street and - through some magical combination of being stunningly gorgeous, persistent and clever - talked me into giving him my number. i have never done that before. but then, even when i have given men i actually know my number, they never call. it's like a 100% reliable way of getting someone to f_ck off. i totally wrote him off.

almost two weeks later i get a call from some number. no message.

two hours later i get another call. same number. no message. who the f_ck is this, i think?

i text back: who is this? why don't you leave a message?

i get a text back: it's Punk Ass Young Kid. kinda bad about leaving messages. lol.

i text back: how else am i sposed to know it's you?

he texts back: i'm at a bbq down the street, you should come. i'll be at your door in a minute.

props to him for being bold. i went. sparks flew. we actually got into a fight that night (he's a macho, self-denying chauvinist...just like i like it, evidently.) i wrote him off again.

he called the next day. i didn't pick up.

he called the day after. i didn't pick up...but i texted back: you rang?

he called again. i picked up: hey. him: i'm at your corner. open your door. me: (who the f_ck does he think he is?!) ok.

i let him in. i can't explain it. he acted in every way that i find to be sophomoric and sexist...yet somehow charming.

i read an article that says women who sleep with pick-up artists hate themselves. am i one of those? i sure like myself a lot for someone who hates herself. (see point 1 above)

we didn't sleep together. i was just wondering.

after two days in my house he left. he said he was coming back in a little bit - we were going for a walk. he didn't. he called and said he'd be later. i went for a walk by myself.

i woke up the next morning alone. he never called. he never came back.

he left his phone charger at my house. i left it on my stoop for him to pick up. he hasn't.

now when i call him it says: this number is unreachable