Translation: "Good Riddance"

Dear God,

It's me, George.

Maliki wants US out of Iraq!

What do I do?!

I invaded, just like you said. Then I made them establish a democratic government, because that's what you said would be best. And I even tried to train them in acting like they're free, but they still try to blow us up!

Did you read the news this weekend? I didn't, but they told me that lots of people got blown up.

(starts to cry) God, I've done everything I can to make those stupid Iraqis appreciate peace and democracy and freedom, but all they want to do is blow us up and throw us out! Like they know any better!

(sniff) This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

GOD: George!

GWB: God?!

GOD: Who else?

GWB: Oh, right.

GOD: George! Sit up straight! Now wipe those tears off your face and pull yourself together! Sheesh!

I put you in charge of taking over the middle east and look what you've done! Can't even get a little foothold in there before you run to me, tears in your eyes, voice shaking and beg me to tell you what to do.

Pathetic.

What are you? Caving into political pressure at home? Do you want to give up and let Allah run that shit? Leave me hanging like that?

Do you have any idea how many angels I lose to Allah every year? It looks pretty good over there, what with the virgins and whatnot. I don't have incentives like that, but I am still the only God, the One True Faith!

And you're making me look bad!

Figure it out, or I'm finding someone else for the job! Maybe Rupert Murdoch would have a better idea of how to take over hostile territory? At this point, I'd take that ego-centric, egalitarian-minded Clinton over you!

GWB: You worked with Bill?!

GOD: No, you idiot! I meant Hillary! And don't ask me about the others. You don't have clearance.

I gotta get outta here. Just looking at how compromising you are makes me want to release a plague. So don't tempt me.

GWB: Don't worry God, I'll do anything! Whatever it takes! I'll make those people love capitalism and freedom, come Hell or high water!

GOD: Be careful what you wish for. Peace.