Equilibrium has been reestablished.
Soon I'll be in New York for a bit. It's been a while since my last visit, and I can't wait to be back in the midst of all that trash and humanity.
Midwesterners think of New York as a mean city, with rude, angry, impatient inhabitants who would just as easily knock you on your feet as say hello. But seriously, if New Yorkers will never do anything, it's say hello to someone they don't know...unless they think it's the easiest, low-cost way to get out of enraging a street talker.(a street talker - not to be confused with street walker - is a crazy homeless person who babbles or yells incessantly in public spaces, and who might occasionally assault an unwary passerby who looks, perhaps, like someone from another universe who did something terrible to them in an alternate past)
New York is honest.That's what happens when the traditional barriers of society no longer apply. When I'm heading back to Gotham, I have to get real honest with myself. It's a truth serum.
There's a nice long list of people that have expressed the desire to see me: friends, exes, etc.
And there's a short list of one person that has not. And he's the one I want to see.
Honestly?
I initiated our relationship, and I've been the one who actively pursues it. I am highly expressive with my feelings - I call, I send gifts, I make vacation plans, I pay for dinner. I think about him a lot. I miss him. I even feel like I need him.
[This from the woman that needs no one...that is always the first to drop relationships that don't satisfy...who says no to the bullshit and drama that comes from indecision, ambiguity, ambivalence... A fool for love!]
And I left. I did it, ok! I did. When I was a young thing I thought that when the time came I would sacrifice anything, everything for love. But when the time came, I left. I gave up the chance to be with this man who makes me feel more my self than I do alone.
Fully confronting the consequences of that choice didn't hit me until I arrived here, alone, feeling that it could not be replaced by enthusiasm for my career.
When I was about 14, I had an intense dream that has stuck with me since. I don't remember what happened in the dream, but that's not important. What mattered then, and what matters now, is that I woke up knowing, completely convinced that I would choose to be alone forever.
For what? For the sake of my independence. For the indulgence of my fears. For ever.
Will I always make that choice?
what? hey, you didn't leave permanently, why is there only one chance to be with this man?
ReplyDeletealso, you are one of the last people i would consider to be 'doomed to be themselves' (that makes sense right?). like, yes, you might be strong-willed & stubborn, but you are way too creative & willing to experiment to get stuck making the same choices over and over (or at least you wouldn't continue doing it once those choices start bore you :) ).
i hope this guy of yours wakes up before you get here.