Aaah, Now Isn't That Better?

[The following is the official transcript of President Bush's phone call to Nancy Pelosi: May 22, 2007, 11:11 pm]

President Bush: Nancy, darlin! How are ya?

NancyDarlin: Hi, Dub. I'm ok.

Dub: You're sounding a little down in the mouth. Everything ok?

NancyDarlin: Dub, stop kidding. You know perfectly well why I sound like this.

Dub: I know, Nancy Darlin, but you know I had to do it, right?

NancyDarlin: No, Dub, you didn't. You know just as well as I do that we're lost in Iraq! Why would you keep dumping money...

Dub: Now listen, Darlin, you're gettin yourself all worked up for no reason.

NancyDarlin: No reason!

Dub: That's right. Now, you've got nobody but yourself to blame in this.

NancyDarlin: What?!

Dub: It's true. And don't try to argue with me. What have I been sayin since we went to Iraq? Not even. Since before we went to Iraq? In fact, ever since 911 - Nancy, do I have to remind you what happened on 911?

NancyDarlin: Of course not.

Dub: Right. So I don't need to remind you that when those...those dirty Arabs flew those planes into that building that everything changed, right? And I also don't need to remind you that that was our moment! Our moment to show those ragheads and every other pansy-ass foreigner that we're in charge here, and we're gonna make the world safe for Democracy!

NancyDarlin: Dub, you're evading.

Dub: Nancy Darlin, I am not avoiding anything. I'm trying to tell you that I thought y'all did a good job! You really pulled together! And I haven't seen a Democrat pulling together on anything with another Democrat in years! I was really proud! Us folks up here at the White House were cheerin you on, Darlin! By the time that bill passed the House and went over to the Senate, I wasn't sure whether I wanted them to pass it or not! I almost wanted to see that bill on my desk. Now you know I wasn't goin to sign it, but I was really hoping you would make it all the way.

NancyDarlin: Thanks, Dub. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

Dub: Nancy Darlin, you don't have to. I know how these things work. And I knew that you knew that there was no way in hell that I was gonna let you crazy Democrats get in the way of me and my war. We're winning over there, Nancy! I can feel it!

NancyDarlin: Dub, I'm not sure that...

Dub: Really! I've been lookin at all sorts of classified documents, and you would not believe how close we are to winning! Just stay with me, Nancy Darlin, and everything will work out the way God intended. (pause) I'm not supposed to say this, now, Nancy Darlin, but I trust you and I'm real proud of the way you've been workin that Congress, so just keep this between you and me, ok?

NancyDarlin: Ok, Dub. What is it?

Dub: (in a whisper) He told me we were going to win.

NancyDarlin: Who told you? What?

Dub: He told me. (pause) The Big Guy.

NancyDarlin: Who?

Dub: The Big Guy. You know, G-O-D. He told me we were going to win in Iraq so that we could do honor to his glory and fight for righteousness all over the world. I know He won't let me down, NancyDarlin, so you just stick with me, and everything will be just fine.

NancyDarlin: (sigh) Ok, Dub. I'm with you. (pause) Listen, the next time you talk to Him, let me know, ok?

Dub: I can't do that Nancy Darlin, it's not something I can share. It's personal, alright? I just wanted to let you know that I had it on good authority that we were going to win, and you can't get more authority than that, right?!

NancyDarlin: (heavy sigh) Right. Dub, I gotta go. Get some sleep, ok?

Dub: I'm already tucked in, Nancy Darlin! You have yourself a good night. And remember, the Big Guy is watchin!